Interview
by LiquidLash
Summary: Trapped together in a paisley covered apartment for five time-looped years, it's a wonder they haven't gone mad...
1. Mandatory Questions

**Author note:** So this really is a bit of randomness. Currently in the middle of moar A level exams, and someone made the mistake of sending me a sheet of character interview questions.

And I thought, "Ooh. I'll ask Jonathan (Jonathan being my young John Hart). He's fun."

Only Jacobyte (young Jack Harkness) stole the sheet from out of my hands and *shrugs helplessly* set sometime during their years in the time loop, this is what transpired...

**Disclaimer:** If I were RTD... no, actually, I can't even contemplate that. Neither Torchwood nor Doctor Who belong to me. If they did, I would be off somewhere, skipping gleefully and occasionally cackling. But they don't. So I'm sitting here avoiding revision instead. C'est la vie.

* * *

**Mandatory Questions**

**1. What about you is heroic?**

Jonathan blinked. "What about me is heroic?"

"That's what the sheet says." Jacobyte riffled through the pages of questions, whistled and glanced up with a grin. "Come on. Time's a'wastin."

"I have to put up with you," Jonathan said after a few moments of thought. "I think that's heroic enough, no?"

Jacobyte threw something. Jonathan grinned.

**2. What about you is social? What do you like about people?**

"People are idiots. But they can be amusing idiots, and entertainment's always appreciated, so what the hell."

Jacobyte arched an eyebrow. "Do I fall into that category?"

"Just by asking that question, yes, yes you do."

**3. Of what benefit could you be to the current group?**

"Current group? What does that mean?"

"Not got a clue..." Jacobyte riffled some more. Shrugged and grinned. "Come on, John-boy, no ways in which you could be useful to whatever group this is on about?"

"Since there's just the two of us in this room, and there has been for waaaay too long now... I could kill you? I think that'd benefit everyone."

Jacobyte stood up, retrieved the thing he'd thrown before and threw it again.

Jonathan's grin grew wider.

**4. Why would you choose to join the current group?**

"The current group wouldn't be you."

"I'm hurt, Jonathan. Hurt."

"I feel for you, Jackie. I really do."

**5. Invent an adventure/plot that your character would actively undertake (as opposed to just tagging along)?**

"My... what?"

Jacobyte sighed. "Next question?"

"Deity, please."


	2. Personal Questions

**Author note:** There's about 12 sections of questions overall. And yes, I _am_ having too much fun with this.

* * *

**Personal Questions**

**1. What is your real, birth name? What name do you use?**

Jonathan blinked. "You realise there's no way in hell I'm answering the former, right?"

"Darling, I didn't expect you to."

"Good." A grin. Jonathan held out his hand. "Jonathan Holster, pleased to meet you."

"Jacobyte Hasphane," said Jacobyte, shaking the hand... Then he stood up and flitted out of the room.

Jonathan blinked again. "Jackie?"

"You touched me," Jacobyte explained, voice muffled through several walls. "Disinfectant's kind of necessary."

Jonathan rolled his eyes. Jacobyte came back a minute or so later and dried his hands in Jonathan's hair.

"And... that doesn't count as touching me?"

"Of course not."

"Right. Good to know. Does tackling count?"

Jacobyte took a wary step backward, and, grinning like crazy, Jonathan pounced.

**2. Do you have a nickname? What is it, and where did you get it?**

"I do," said Jonathan, eyeing Jacobyte's grin with mild disdain. "And I got it from you, you twat."

"John-boy," Jacobyte unapologetically trilled. "You don't like it?"

"And still with the amusing idiot routine, well done."

**3. What do you look like? (Include height, weight, hair, eyes, skin, apparent age, and distinguishing features)**

"Distinguishing features?" said Jonathan, raising an eyebrow. He leered. "Well, I've got a really big—"

"You haven't."

"It's bigger than yours."

Jacobyte laughed. "It really isn't. Do we have to do this again, Jonathan? It won't end well for you."

Jonathan scoffed. "Coward. Come on, undo the fastening, let's have a look."

Jacobyte did so with a weary sigh. Jonathan followed suit.

Several seconds of silence passed.

"Mine does more things."

"Keep telling yourself that, John-boy."

Jonathan closed his wrist strap with a snarl.

"Brown hair," said Jacobyte, writing as he spoke. "Grey-blue eyes. Kind of pale skin..." He squinted across at Jonathan. "Yeah, pale."

"When we do this for you, you're gonna regret that."

Jacobyte hummed and flashed him a grin, then looked businesslike again. "Weight?"

"I'm lighter than you, fatso."

Jacobyte managed not to roll his eyes as Jonathan's huff. "Age?"

"A lady never reveals her true age."

"Height, then?"

"Fuck you, Hasphane."

Jacobyte chewed the end of his pencil. Wrote and muttered, "Five foot nine."

"There's nothing wrong with my height!"

"Did I say there was?" Jacobyte lightly asked. "Anyway, distinguishing features..." He eyed Jonathan. "Determined to compensate?"

"You die now."

**4. How do you dress most of the time?**

"I wear these strange things called 'clothes'."

"The question asked for most of the time, Jonathan."

"Okay, I wear you."

"Muuuch better."

**5. How do you "dress up?"**

"Previously mentioned clothes? I actually put them on."

Jacobyte shook his head.

**6. How do you "dress down?"**

Jonathan laughed. And laughed. Jacobyte shook his head again and put a line through that question.

**7. What do you wear when you go to sleep?**

"You."

"Because I match your eyes?"

"Damn straight."

**8. Do you wear any jewellery?**

"You're sparkly, Jackie, do you count?"

The pencil made a faint whistling sound as it flew through the air toward Jonathan's head.

**9. In your opinion, what is your best feature?**

"I..."

Jacobyte looked up from the question sheet. Raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"You paused. I just gave you a chance to be vain, and you paused."

Jonathan eyed the ceiling. "I think my patience might be my best feature..."

Jacobyte choked.

**10. What's your real birth date?**

"If I tell you, will there be cake?"

"We haven't got any cake, Jonathan."

"Worth a shot."

"Am I crossing this one out, then?"

"If you would be so kind."

Jacobyte gave the pencil a little flourish as he did so.

**11. Where do you live? Describe it: Is it messy, neat, avant-garde, sparse, etc.?**

Jonathan looked very carefully from side to side, taking in the clashing paisleys on every wall and the eye-melting neon furniture. "Where to begin, where to begin..."

"Does 'hell' work for you?"

"I think it does, you know."

"Right then." Jacobyte wrote 'hell' in the answer space.

**12. Do you own a car? Describe it.**

"What's a car?"

"Erm... 20th/21st century Earth term. Thing with four wheels and an engine."

"No hovering?"

"No hovering," said Jacobyte, already putting a line through the question.

"Man, that sucks."

**13. What is your most prized mundane possession? Why do you value it so much?**

"Erm..."

Jacobyte examined his nails. "Doesn't have to be something in here, y'know. Could be back on Glariyo."

"Yeah, I know... I'm thinking, gimme a sec."

Jacobyte counted off several in his head.

"My mum's steera," Jonathan said eventually.

"You actually have a steera?"

"I had one. On Glariyo." Jonathan raised an eyebrow, daring Jacobyte to inquire further.

Jacobyte nodded. Smiled a little. "Okay. Mum's steera. Gotcha."

**14. What one word best describes you?**

Jonathan squinted.

"Ye gods, I can hear the cogs from over here..."

"Sod off, Jackie, I'm thinking."

"I can tell."

"Erm..."

"Erm fits perfectly," said Jacobyte, scribbling down the three letter word.

"What?"

"Next section: Familial Questions."

"Hey, wait! I had a really good one then."

"Too late, John-boy. You missed your chance. Now, moving on..."


	3. Familial Questions

**Author note:** Can someone go and kill statistics for me? Okay? Thanks. *hies herself back to teh dreaded revision*

* * *

**Familial Questions**

**1. What was your family like?**

"Brilliant," said Jonathan, absolutely no emotion in his voice. "We had picnics every Sunday and everything."

Jacobyte glanced up cautiously. Paused halfway through writing this down. "Did your home planet even have a Sunday?"

"Nope."

"Thought not..."

**2. Who was your father, and what was he like?**

"He was a prick."

"And he was prick-like?" guessed Jacobyte.

"Pretty much."

**3. Who was your mother, and what was she like?**

Jonathan wet his lips. Jacobyte opened his mouth but thought better of it.

And a line went through that question too...

**4. What was your parents marriage like? Were they married? Did they remain married?**

"Jackie, can we skip these ones? What's the next section?"

"Childhood," read out Jacobyte.

"Oh Gods," Jonathan muttered, scrubbing his face with his hands. "Pro-sodding-ceed."

**5. What were your siblings names? What were they like?**

"No siblings."

"I think there are more crossed out questions now than answered ones, you know."

"Boo-freaking-hoo. Next?"

**6. What's the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you? What's the worst thing you've done to one of your siblings?**

Jonathan rolled his eyes.

**7. When's the last time you saw any member of your family? Where are they now?**

"The last member of my family I saw was my dad," said Jonathan. "When I shot him. I'll give you three guesses as to where he is now."

It was hard to tell if Jacobyte's resultant eye roll was more exasperated or fond. Or, somehow, both.

**8. Did you ever meet any other family members? Who were they? What did you think of them?**

"No, no and no." Jonathan shuffled back in his chair. "S'that the end of these ones?"

Jacobyte nodded and turned the page. Paused.

"What?"

"Next section's still childhood," Jacobyte said apologetically.

"Gods..."

"You expected it to change?"

"Hey, I can hope for improbable things just as much as you."

"Such as?"

"Such as me not waking you up by pouring cold water over you tomorrow morning."

"..."

Jonathan sent a sunny smile Jacobyte's way.


	4. Childhood Questions

**Author note:** Stats exam is tomorrow afternoon, wish me luck! And in the meantime...

* * *

**Childhood Questions**

**1. What is your first memory?**

"Factory smoke."

Jacobyte paused. "Factory smoke?"

A nod.

"Lot of factories where you grew up, then?"

"That question isn't on the sheet, Jackie," said Jonathan with a grin.

**2. What was your favourite toy?**

"Um..."

"You had to have had toys, Jonathan."

Jonathan was squinting at the ceiling.

"Shall I move on?"

"I think you'd better..."

**3. What was your favourite game?**

Jonathan's eyes glazed over for a moment, then he snorted. "Oh sweet Deity, I'd forgotten about that one."

"What one?"

"Favourite game."

"You gonna share with the class?"

A grin and a chuckle. "No way."

Jacobyte sighed.

**4. Any non-family member adults stick out in your mind? Who were they, and how did you know them? Why do they stick out?**

"Um."

"Um?"

"Well... there was one."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Sort of my first boyfriend."

Jacobyte sat up a little straighter and deigned to look attentive. "He have a name?"

"Clarissa."

Jacobyte blinked. "I shouldn't ask, should I?"

"Do you value your sanity, I think, is the more important question."

"Jonathan, I've spent... however long... trapped in a paisley apartment with _you_. My sanity's long gone."

Jonathan offered his hand. Grinned as Jacobyte leaned across to shake it. "Pleasure doing business with you."

**5. Who was your best friend when you were growing up?**

"Clarissa again."

Jacobyte shook his head and wrote this down.

**6. What is your fondest, childhood memory?**

Jonathan opened and closed his mouth.

"Mm?"

"Might have to go with Clarissa again, there..."

Jacobyte's eyebrows went up a little. "Some guy."

A shrug. "He was— Ooh! No, wait!"

Jacobyte halted the pencil's movement and waited.

"First space station. First time I looked out of a view port."

The pencil continued and Jacobyte smiled into the question sheet.

**7. What is your worst childhood memory?**

Jonathan's mouth opened and closed again, this time with a snap.

Jacobyte's eyes darkened slightly. "Next section?" he suggested, voice barely loud enough to be a murmur.

Jonathan nodded without looking up, and Jacobyte turned the page.


	5. Adolescent Questions

**Adolescent Questions**

**1. How old were you when you went on your first date?**

Jonathan squinted at the ceiling again. "That was some time in the Academy, I think..."

"Yeah? Clarissa didn't get the fancy treatment, then?"

"Not as such, no."

Jacobyte raised his hands in a "I won't ask, no worries" gesture.

**2. It is common for one's view of authority to develop in their adolescent years. What is your view of authority, and what event most affected it?**

A snort. "Authority is... Authority's the biggest stick. The shiniest gun. The loudest opinion. Nothing to do with right or wrong."

"Deep."

"I try."

"And did anything affect that?"

"How does the abusive father work for you?"

Jacobyte's hands went up again. "Don't shoot the messenger."

"Oh, I won't," said Jonathan, grinning.

"I'm touched."

"Gun's on the other side of the room anyway. Too much effort."

**3. What were you like in high school? What "clique" did you best fit in with?**

"High school? Clique?"

"Go with the Academy," said Jacobyte. "And clique... think social group."

"What was I like in the Academy..." Jonathan snorted, then turned solemn, laying a hand flat on his chest. "I was a perfect darling. Well behaved. Charming to work with et cetera, et cetera."

"Didn't you sleep with all your teachers?"

"... that not count as 'charming to work with'?"

**4. What were your high school goals?**

"Pass with my memory intact, and without catching any communicable diseases."

A half laugh escaped Jacobyte's lips. Jonathan looked smug.

"And did you succeed in your goals?"

Jonathan peered over. "S'that on the sheet?"

"Yep."

"Liar."

"I'm shocked, shocked by your accusation, Jonathan."

A long pause. "You've been watching Casablanca again, haven't you?"

Jacobyte saluted Jonathan with the glass of gin he'd produced from Deity knows where. "Here's looking at you, kid."

**5. Who was your idol when you were growing up? Who did you first fantasize about in your life?**

Jonathan nearly fell backwards laughing. "Oh, that's a good one... hrmm pum pum."

Jacobyte tapped his pencil against the question sheet.

"Can't say I had an idol," Jonathan eventually answered. "Fantasies? Had several of those. Deliciously twisted things that they were."

"And are you going to share with the class?"

"Not on your shiny-toothed life."

**6. What is your favourite memory from adolescence?**

"That... would be the time I took down a fully trained Agent because he nabbed my drink."

"You did what?"

"I took down—

"—a fully trained Agent. Yeah, you said."

To say Jonathan looked smug was an understatement.

"This happened in the Academy?"

"Yep."

"And..." Jacobyte waved a hand, hoping Jonathan would elaborate.

"Oh, not much more to say, really. There I am, tucked away in a corner and working my way through the stickiest beverages the bar had to offer, and this spangled git comes over, introduces himself and just takes one of them. Right there in front of me. Then pulls a face, 'cause apparently he didn't like whatever it was, sets the glass down and says 'see you around'. Waltzes back to his little group of similarly spangled gits."

"And you didn't take kindly to this?"

"I did not."

"So you decked the guy?"

"Nope."

"Then... what?"

Jonathan inspected his nails. "I drank the rest of my drinks, went outside and waited for him to leave. He looked rather less spangled by the time I was done." A sunny smile.

"Let me guess, you parted with the words 'see you around'?"

"Why, Jacobyte, you see into my very soul."

**7. What is your worst memory from adolescence?**

Jonathan tapped his fingers on the arm's chair. "Might have to go with the whole 'exploding time machine' thing."

"That was your group? I heard about it. They said—"

"Jackie. You don't have to tell me what 'they' said. I was sodding there."

Jacobyte tilted his head. Not demanding, just... if Jonathan wanted to say more, he was perfectly welcome to.

A sigh. Jonathan lifted his shirt up an inch or two and traced a ridged pink line on his hip. Jacobyte hissed. "That what I think it is?"

"Probably," said Jonathan, lowering the shirt and settling back again. "Can't claim to know what goes on inside your head, Jacobyte." He grinned.

"Temporal shrapnel." Jacobyte turned the page. "Not fun."

"What's the next section?"

"Occupational Questions," read out Jacobyte.

"Ooh, fun."


	6. Occupational Questions

**Author note:** Sections still remaining are Likes & Dislikes, Sex & Intimacy, Drugs & Alcohol, Morality, Post-Supernatural Awareness and Miscellaneous.

And yes, the Sex & Intimacy one _is_ as interesting as you might think. *grins at her two lads*

* * *

**Occupational Questions**

**1. Do you have a job? What is it? Do you like it? If no job, where does your money come from?**

"That all under one question? I counted four there."

"Need me to repeat them?"

"Shush, I'm thinking."

"I'll send warning to all neighbouring countries, then."

Jonathan reached behind him for a cushion and threw it at Jacobyte. Jacobyte caught it and sat on it. Jonathan huffed.

"I do have a job," he said after a little while. "It's called being a Time Agent, and I'm not sure where liking comes into the arrangement. _Currently_, however, I think... Jacobyte, can we class this as 'on leave'?"

"Think of the back pay," said Jacobyte, eyes turning a wee bit glassy.

Jonathan chuckled and shook his head.

**2. What is your boss or employer like? (Or publisher, or agent, or whatever.)**

"Management or Major Tulsen, do you reckon?"

"Go with both." Jacobyte tossed the pencil from hand to hand. "Not like we haven't got the time for it."

A dry chuckle. Jonathan tipped his head back and eyed the ceiling dubiously. "You could say my employer is the Time Agency... and they're a load of twisted fuck-ups following orders because it's either that or get your brain wiped."

"Touché."

"Oh, you approve?"

"It has a certain ring to it. Much better advertising than "Mistakes in your past? Worries for your future? Don't panic; the Academy awaits!", don't you think?"

"It has been proved on several occasions that I do not, in fact, think," said Jonathan, "and should continue not to do so lest the entirety of existence crash down upon us."

"Y'mean it hasn't already?"

Jonathan conceded that with a nod. And a chuckle. He stretched.

"Tulsen?"

"Major Tulsen is the most pot bellied man to ever hold office with a manila file and marker pen."

Jonathan paused while Jacobyte scribbled this down. Straightened to peer at the sheet.

"You spelt manila wrong."

Jacobyte flipped him off and moved onto the next question.

**3. What are your co-workers like? Do you get along with them? Any in particular? Which ones don't you get along with?**

Jonathan laughed for five minutes straight. Wiped tears from his eyes when he was done. "Oh, that is _gold_..."

Jacobyte propped his chin in his hand and flicked his eyes from Jonathan to the sheet and back again.

"What are my co-workers like?" said Jonathan, mimicking the way Jacobyte had read the question. "Do I get along with them?" He levelled a stare at Jacobyte and said, in a voice that Jacobyte trusted in no particular way, "Let me see..."

"You know what? I think we should move on."

**4. What is something you had to learn that you hated?**

Jonathan gave the ceiling another dubious stare.

"How about 'life sucks'?" Jacobyte softly suggested.

"Works for me," said Jonathan, glancing down with a wry grin. "Only add a 'no one cares' to that."

Jacobyte raised a challenging eyebrow. "_I_ care."

Jonathan sent a half smile his way. "Yeah, but you don't count."

"No?"

"Nope. Clearly you and your glittering smile are part of some horrifically twisted hallucination caused from being cooped up so long."

"Ah," said Jacobyte. "I see."

"So glad you understand," Jonathan said, saccharine oozing from his tone.

**5. Do you tend to save or spend your money? Why?**

"Is there _any_ way to make that question apply to our situation?"

"Not that I can see."

"Pity."

"Onwards, Lieutenant?"

"It would be my pleasure, dear Captain."


	7. Likes & Dislikes Questions

**Author note:** The exam went... not so well. But meh. The reason I've been doing this whole extra A level is to get more base knowledge for uni, so what the hey! Onwards, minions, onwards!

* * *

**Likes & Dislikes Questions**

**1. What hobbies do you have?**

"Fucking you and steadily falling into madness."

"S'good set of hobbies," Jacobyte said mildly, taking note. "Well rounded, even."

"Well, you are."

Jacobyte positively beamed, and Jonathan took the opportunity to steal Jacobyte's gin.

**2. Who is your closest mundane friend? Describe them and how you relate to them.**

"Why's it say 'mundane'?"

"No idea. Next question has it too."

"Oh?"

"Mm. 'Who is your worst mundane enemy?'"

"I think you fall into both those categories, Jackie, out of default."

"How charming of you to say so."

"I try, I try..."

**3. Who is your worst mundane enemy? Describe them and why you don't get along.**

**4. What bands do you like? Do you even pay attention?**

"What was the second half of that?" Jonathan's eyes twinkled slightly, and Jacobyte snorted.

**5. What tape or CD hasn't left your player since your purchased it? Why?**

"Um..."

"Yeah," agreed Jacobyte, "moving on."

**6. What song is "your song?" Why?**

"I lost my heart to a— ow."

Jacobyte stood up and retrieved his pencil, taking the opportunity to give Jonathan a smack around the head. "I've told you before. No."

"Oh come oooon. It's perfect!"

"No."

**7. What's been your favourite movie of all time?**

"Of all time being the one's you've shown me, yeah?"

"Pretty much."

"Then I liked Star Wars the best."

A snort.

**8. Read any good books? What were they?**

"I can't say I have, actually."

Jacobyte reached across the table and gave Jonathan's knee a soothing pat. "It's okay, dear. We'll sort that one day."

"Is this you and your Hitchhikers' Guide thingy?"

"Ayep."

"I'm not convinced."

"You will be, you will be..."

"Oh, Heavens help us, he's really into the impressions today."

Jacobyte waggled his eyebrows.

"Seriously, though. We get out of here and that's top of your list? Shove some decrepit book in my face?"

"You misunderstand me, Lieutenant Holster—"

"Heavens forbid, Captain Hasphane, Heavens forbid."

"—the top of my list is getting some decent lube and fucking you until you see stars. Well, more stars."

"Cause you're fucking me under an open sky?"

"Damn straight."

"Or not, as the case may be."

"Quite."

Jonathan made a sound akin to a purr, pushed out of his seat, rounded the table and sat on Jacobyte instead. "Next question?"

"Getting there, getting there..."

**9. What do you watch on the Television?**

"The... what?"

Jacobyte repeated the word as Jonathan peered.

"Skip?" he suggested.

"Skip," agreed Jonathan.

**10. When it comes to mundane politics, do you care? If so, which way do you tend to vote? If not, why don't you care?**

"When it comes to what?"

"I've really got no idea."

"Skiiip." Jonathan bounced a little. "Skip skip skip."

**11. What type of places do you hang out in with your mundane friends?**

"Seriously, what's the obsession with 'mundane'?"

Jacobyte shrugged in as much as he could considering Jonathan was half sprawled across him. "Skip?"

"Sounds like a plan," said Jonathan, leaning into Jacobyte a bit more. He nuzzled into Jacobyte's neck.

**12. What type of places do you hang out in with your normal friends?**

"I don't think I've _ever_ had normal friends." Jonathan's voice was slightly muffled.

Jacobyte gave the side of Jonathan's head a swat. "Concentrate, you."

"I am concentrating!" Jonathan protested, and he nibbled at Jacobyte's earlobe. "See?"

**13. What annoys you more than anything else?**

"People asking me questions when they should be doing other things with their mouths," Jonathan answered promptly, causing another swat to be sent his way.

**14. What would be the perfect gift for you?**

"I refer you," said Jonathan, pausing to stick his tongue down Jacobyte's ear, grinning at the jolt this caused, "to the previous given answer."

**15. What's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?**

Jonathan stilled.

Jacobyte turned his head slightly. "Hey?"

"Stars through the clouds."

Jacobyte pressed a kiss to the top of Jonathan's head and moved onto the next question.

**16. What time of day is your favourite?**

"Stars through the clouds?"

"That's more fortnightly, love."

"Sex o'clock, then."

**17. What kind of weather is your favourite?**

"Completely sodding cloudless with no fucking grey in sight." Jonathan turned into Jacobyte's neck again. "These questions are cruel."

"I feel for you," said Jacobyte, "I really do."

One of Jonathan's eyebrows twitched at Jacobyte's dismissive tone, and he snaked a hand down to cup Jacobyte through his trousers. "Oh, but do you?"

Jacobyte snorted and batted him away. "After the questions. Come on, not too many left now."

"Pah." Jonathan withdrew and settled for licking up and down Jacobyte's neck. "You're no fun."

**18. What is your favourite food? What is your least favourite food?**

"Cruel! My favourite's got to be Nfato."

"Takeout?"

"Why the hell not? Better than I can cook. I can admit that."

"Jonathan, _anything_ is better than you can cook."

Jonathan bit Jacobyte's neck. "Quiet, you."

Jacobyte gasped and did, in fact, quieten.

"Jacobyte?"

"..."

"Jacobyte, read the next damn question."

Jacobyte gestured from Jonathan to his lips and mimed zipping and locking them and throwing away the key. He gave an "I'm sure you understand shrug".

Jonathan swatted him.

**19. What is your favourite drink? (Coffee, Coke, Juice, Beer, Wine, etc.)**

"Anything that isn't mega-gin, water or the roasted horse shite they call coffee here. Deity."

Jacobyte chuckled.

**20. What's your favourite animal? Why?**

"Um... Not sure I have one, really."

"No?"

"Nah, they just get in the way."

**21. Do you have any pets? Do you want any pets? What kind?**

Jacobyte didn't bother reading that one out.

**22. What do you find most relaxing? (Not as in stress relief, but as something that actually calms you down.)**

"Something that actually calms me down?" repeated Jonathan.

Jacobyte nodded.

Another nuzzle into Jacobyte's neck, and then, softly, "That work as an answer?"

**23. What habit that others have annoys you most?**

Jonathan actually cackled. "Ooh, let me see! Let me see, let me see, let me see..."

Jacobyte clapped his hands over Jonathan's eyes. "Mooooving on."

"Oi!"

**24. What kind of things embarrass you? Why?**

Both Jacobyte and Jonathan blinked over that one. Well, Jacobyte blinked. Jonathan frowned against Jacobyte's hands.

"Anything?"

An incomprehensible mumble.

"Didn't quite catch that one, John-boy."

"And you won't if you don't shift your hands."

Jacobyte obligingly shifted his hands.

A few seconds passed.

"Well?" he said.

"You're such an idiot," said Jonathan, relishing his sudden freedom. "Gullible and shiny. Bless you."

Jacobyte carefully set the question sheet and pencil down. Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

Several more seconds passed, this time not so silently.

**25. What don't you like about yourself?**

"Well," Jonathan said judiciously, voice slightly muffled and breathless due to the fact that Jacobyte was sitting on him, "I don't like the fact that you managed to beat me so easily just now. How's that?"

"Works perfectly," Jacobyte replied as he reached for the pencil and questions again.

**26. How would you like to look?**

"Is that a trick question?"

Jacobyte snorted.

"I'd like to be taller," Jonathan eventually answered. "And less squished."

"And both are more than unlikely to happen," said Jacobyte, heaving a sigh. "C'est la vie."

Jonathan growled, struggling underneath him, and Jacobyte turned the page. His eyes gleamed. "You're gonna like this one, John-boy."

"Oh?"

"Mm. Sex and Intimacy."

"Niiiice."


	8. Sex & Intimacy Questions

**Author note:** So, right, Doctor Who... I'm not going to spoiler for anyone, no worries, but HOLY FREAKING SHIT, MOFFAT!

Anyway.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Sex & Intimacy Questions**

**1. Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?**

"Something else."

Jonathan's promptness earned a blink from Jacobyte. "Oh?" He shifted so that Jonathan could actually breath. "Care to enlighten us, Lieutenant?"

"I consider myself to be try-sexual."

"Try-sexual," Jacobyte repeated slowly.

"Mhm. Give anything a try, that's me."

Jacobyte shook his head.

**2. Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it happen? What was it like? How well did it go?**

"What are we classifying as sex here?"

Jacobyte considered the fact that this section was always going to be interesting. "Penetration."

"With what?"

Jacobyte switched from considering the questions to considering the pencil in his hand. Jonathan's eyes tracked his, and he swallowed.

"Clarissa."

"Quelle surprise," Jacobyte said, sotto voce.

"What was that, Jacobyte, dearheart?"

"I said 'answers, please'."

"Suuure you did."

Jacobyte poked Jonathan in the ribs. "So the first guy you had sex with was Clarissa. When was that?"

"Don't think I was older than fourteen or so?"

"And...?"

"And it was pretty damn fine, thanks for asking."

Jacobyte snorted. "Okay, moving on..."

**3. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Who with, what was it like, and how did it go?**

"Ooh, prude-ish questionnaire makers. Neat."

**4. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it?**

Jacobyte blinked down at Jonathan's silence. "Oi, oh Casanova of the stars, you gonna contribute?"

Jonathan wriggled a little, then said, "I'm not saying that I don't have sexual fantasies—"

"I think the universe would implode if that were the case."

Jonathan gave him a poke. "It's just this whole 'most well-hidden' bit I don't understand," he continued.

"Aha."

"And fuck yes, I'd try it."

A pause. "You already have, haven't you?"

"Fuuuck yes." Jonathan's eyes rolled back into his head a little. "And I'd do it again, I'll tell you that."

"Details?"

"Not on your life," said Jonathan, smiling smugly through the memories. "S'mine and mine alone."

Jacobyte raised an eyebrow. "Just yours alone?"

"Well, and the guy with the tentacles... and the girl... and that other one..."

**5. What was the wildest thing you've ever done, sexually? Who was it with and when did it happen?**

"I'm telling you, Jackie, once you've done tentacles it's hard to go back."

**6. Is there any sexual activity that you enjoy and/or practice regularly that can be considered non-standard? (Bondage, Fantasy Play, etc.) Why do you like it?**

"Non-standard? Bondage and fantasy play are considered non-standard? Deity, these guys need to get out more."

**7. Is there any sexual activity that you will not, under any circumstances, do?**

Jonathan squinted at Jacobyte's thigh. "Nothing comes to mind?"

Jacobyte let loose a snort. It seemed appropriate.

**8. Do you currently have a lover? What is their name, and what is your relationship like? What are they like? Why are you attracted to them?**

"They like asking multiple questions, don't they?" Jonathan wriggled all the way out from under Jacobyte and leant against the sofa's arm. Tipped his head to the side and waggled his eyebrows.

Jacobyte sighed.

"Yes, I currently have a lover," Jonathan continued. "His name's Jacobyte Hasphane and our relationship is... one of necessity?"

"Trying not to be offended over here."

"Oh, but you do it so well!"

"The trying or the offense?"

"...yes?"

Another sigh.

"You are... you're sweet." Jonathan watched his toes trace along the material of Jacobyte's trousers.

Jacobyte blinked. "Sweet," he repeated, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Jonathan glanced up with an impish grin which turned improbably shy as he looked back at his foot. "Yeah. You are. Kinda."

"Thanks, I think."

**9. What is the perfect romantic date?**

"Anywhere but this sodding apartment."

"That's a bit vague, don't you think?"

Jonathan huffed and tongued the inside of his cheek. "I don't know," he said after a while. "Can't say romance and all that has ever really played a part for me."

"There has to be something," said Jacobyte, cajoling for all he was worth. "Eh? Me and you. We get out of here. Where do you want to go?"

"We're not getting out of here, Jackie, and you know it."

Jacobyte put his hand on Jonathan's foot and rubbed a little, fingers tracing lightly. Smiled as Jonathan's frown turned into a twitching grimace.

"Git," Jonathan said affectionately once Jacobyte'd stopped.

"I aim to please. So. Perfect romantic date. Tell."

"A beach somewhere. The sun would just about be setting."

"Candlelight dinner, then?"

"Nah. Blanket on the sand and a basket of grub'd do me fine. Just lie back and natter and eat and get grit in unfortunate places."

A soft smile flitted across Jacobyte's face as he wrote this down. "We will, you know. One day."

Jonathan settled back more into the crook of the sofa's arm. Muttered, "Keep telling yourself that, love."

"Oh, I will."

**10. Describe the perfect romantic partner for you.**

"I honestly don't understand that question."

"It isn't a question."

"Request, then. Perfect's got nothing to do with romance."

Jacobyte arched an eyebrow. Jutted his chin. "Thought 'romance and all that' never really played a part for you."

"Doesn't mean I can respect it from a distance."

Jacobyte snorted. "How much of a distance?"

"A _lot_ of a distance," said Jonathan, grinning.

**11. Do you ever want to get married and have children? When do you see this happening?**

"Do I ever want to..." Jonathan trailed off, expression caught somewhere between bemusement and slightly pained thoughtfulness.

"Hey?"

"Mm." Jonathan blinked, face clearing, and snapped his gaze back to Jacobyte. "Mm?"

Jacobyte tilted his head curiously. "Do you?"

A shrug. "Can't honestly say I've ever thought about it before."

"... and now?"

"There's no way it can happen, Jackie. We're stuck here."

Jacobyte dropped the subject but continued to watch Jonathan carefully out the corner of his eye.

**12. What is more important - sex or intimacy? Why?**

"They're different things?"

Jacobyte tapped his pencil against the question sheet and gave a shrug. "Apparently so. Pass?"

"Go for it."

**13. What was your most recent relationship like? Who was it with? (Does not need to be sexual, merely romantic.)**

"Recent?"

"Before this," said Jacobyte, waving the pencil around to indicate the time loop they were trapped in.

Jonathan twisted his lips. "There was a girl a few corridors down from me. Zilla Carson. We were sort of on and off for a while."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm. On when we were bored, off when we found shinier things to distract ourselves with." Jonathan gave a wicked grin, and Jacobyte shook his head in what was almost a fond manner.

**14. What's the worst thing you've done to someone you loved?**

Jonathan's mouth opened and then closed with a snap. Jacobyte's eyebrows rose slightly.

"I don't..." Jonathan huffed and scrubbed at his forehead. "Don't know if I loved him, but... I left. Without a word. Just up and left."

"Who—"

"Clarissa." Jonathan wet his lips. "It was for the Agency. Found one of their flyers. You know the ones? The ones that only show their 'information' if you've got the required brain development or IQ or potential to be or whatever."

"I know," Jacobyte murmured.

"And... it was a way out. So I took it. Straight away. Just... just disappeared."

Jacobyte clicked his fingers in front of Jonathan's face until he snapped out of whatever reverie he'd sunk into. Made a show of turning the page. Jonathan smiled, eyes creasing just a little.

His amusement grew at catching sight of the next section's title. "Drugs and Alcohol."

"What?" Jacobyte glanced down. "Oh." And snorted. "Shall we, Lieutenant?"

"I think we shall, dear Captain of mine, I think we shall."


	9. Drug & Alcohol Questions

**Author note:** To anyone that wasn't previously aware, Jacobyte and Jonathan are also available in seriuz!fic form (well, as serious as can be expected, given that it's them...) if you take a gander down my profile to the _Transcendence 'verse_ section, because this story here is just me messing around. :D

In the meantime, this is the ninth instalment of twelve. Pout. Maybe I should go through them again afterwards, only this time with Jonathan asking Jacobyte?

Or maybe I'll just make my brain implode now to save time.

As a side note, I hope everyone who's currently in the middle of exams is doing alright! My next is tomorrow afternoon. Shudder.

* * *

**Drug & Alcohol Questions**

**1. How old were you when you first got drunk? What was the experience like? Did anything good come out of it? Did anything bad come out of it?**

"I was... I was, I was, I was..."

"You were? Really? Don't shock me like that, Jonathan. I'm not sure my poor heart can take the strain."

Jonathan kicked him. "Don't know how old I was. Teenager. Sometime around then."

"And what was 'the experience' like?"

"You think I can actually remember it?"

"Ah. That kind."

Jonathan chuckled. "Good things that came out of it: I learned never to trust a Dillio when they say, 'Try this one, you'll love it!'"

"And anything bad?"

"I had to learn it the hard way."

**2. Do you drink on any kind of regular basis?**

"Yes. Daily. Hourly. As long as there's mega-gin left."

Jacobyte eyed the almost empty bottle. "And when that runs out?"

"You _know_ what happens when that runs out, Jackie."

"Yeah, but this is for the questionnaire. C'mon."

"When the mega-gin runs out," said Jonathan, enunciating each word carefully so that Jacobyte could keep up, "I switch to your stash of smoke-ables and when that runs out... I complain about them running out until you shut me up."

"And how do I shut you up?"

Jonathan snorted a laugh. Shook his head. "There is no _way _that's on the sheet."

"I think you'll find that I'm question master here." Jacobyte straightened the pages of questions defensively. "So... How do I shut you up?"

"Well, oh Master of Questions," Jonathan drawled, "I'm finding the proper phrasing hard to come by, so how about I give a practical demonstration?" He cocked an eyebrow in challenge. "Or shall we get on with this?"

Curses. Jacobyte sighed and turned the page. Jacobyte smirked.

**3. What kind of alcohol do you prefer?**

"Anything that isn't mega-gin?"

"If I have to say 'details' to you one more time..."

"You'll what?" Jonathan grinned, eyebrow rising again. "Questions first, you said."

"Details, Jonathan."

"Baladin cocktails are my favourite," Jonathan sighed, shuffling around to lean on Jacobyte's shoulder again. "Never again will I taste such sweet nectar."

"Questions first."

A snort.

Jacobyte ruffled Jonathan's hair.

**4. Have you ever tried any other kind of "mood altering" substance? Which one(s)? What did you think of each?**

"Yep," said Jonathan, popping the p. "Lots. Some were good, some were weird, some were bad. Don't ask me about specifics," he added before Jacobyte could say anything.

**5. What do you think of drugs and alcohol? Are there any people should not do? Why or why not?**

"Erm..."

"And the next section's morality," Jacobyte murmured, chuckling softly.

"Onwards, then, Jackie! There isn't a moment to lose!"

Jacobyte flicked to the next page with a roll of his eyes.


	10. Morality Questions

**Author note:** Fiiinally pushed past one of my writer's block walls to finish this section. Hopefully the other two will follow soon. And hopefully you'll all enjoy! :D

* * *

**Morality Questions**

**1. What one act in your past are you most ashamed of? What one act in your past are you most proud of?**

Jonathan eyed the question dubiously and turned his head into Jacobyte's neck. Sighed. "One act. Just the one. Hmm."

Jacobyte reached up a hand to hold Jonathan in place as he twisted to plant a kiss on his lips.

"Not that I'm complaining," said Jonathan, smiling a little, "but what was that for?"

"Felt needed," said Jacobyte, tweaking a soft smile in return.

"I'm... most ashamed of the fact that... that I didn't do anything."

Jacobyte's hand rubbed at the back of Jonathan's neck, almost ridiculously reassuring.

"I didn't do anything to stop him. Night after night. And then she killed herself because of it."

"Not because of you—"

"No, I know not because of me... but I didn't do anything. That's got to count toward it in some small way at least."

Jacobyte sighed and continued to rub. "Anything you're proud of?"

"Shooting the bastard."

Jacobyte twisted to kiss him again. Whispered, "I'm proud too."

**2. Have you ever been in an argument before? Over what, with who, and who won?**

"Um, yes? Haven't we all? Deity, who writes these things anyway?"

"Answer the question, John-boy."

"Yes, I have been in an argument before."

"Over what?"

Jonathan threw up his hands. "How the hell am I meant to go into specifics there?"

"Over. What."

"Last argument was with you, and I do believe we were arguing about who had won the last argument."

"And I won."

"You so did not."

"I've got the pencil, Jonathan. The pencil's word is law. See? Already written it down. No going back."

**3. Have you ever been in a physical fight before? Over what, with who, and who won?**

Jonathan pulled his head back to give Jacobyte a disbelieving look.

"Hey! I have to ask. It's on the sheet, therefore I have to ask."

"Yes, I have been in a physical fight before. The last was with you. And I don't remember why. But I won." Jonathan raised an eyebrow, daring Jacobyte to contradict him. Jacobyte held up his hands.

"I haven't got a problem with being beaten." A grin. "Ended nicely for both parties in any case."

"You mean we both got nice endings?"

"Ayep."

"I don't know whether to hit you or kiss you, or do both, for that."

"Is there anything stopping you from doing both?"

"Nope."

Jacobyte's turn to arch an eyebrow. "Then do your worst, John-boy."

**4. What do you feel most strongly about?**

"I— mmph. Think that— mrph. People shouldn't— ngh. Ask questions— mnph. While. Making Out. With— Jacobyte! Do you want this answer or not?"

"I want more kissing."

"Well _you_ wanted answers earlier. So now you're getting them. Deal."

**5. What do you pretend to feel strongly about, just to impress people?**

Jonathan examined his nails. Lightly said, "I don't understand the question."

"Yah-huh."

**6. What trait do you find most admirable, and how often do you find it?**

"The ability to shoot ambidextrously," said Jonathan, enunciating each syllable with painstaking care, "and not as often as you'd think."

A snort. "I think question was asking for more of a—"

"I gave an answer, Jackie. S'your duty to write it."

"Jo—"

"Scriiiibe. Do your duty."

"Oh, it's like that, is it?"

"Hell yes."

Jacobyte snorted again.

**7. Is there anything you think should not be incorporated into the media or art (sex, violence, greed, etc.,)? If so, what and why, and if not, why not?**

The pair of them blinked. "Why the hell shouldn't sex, violence and greed be incorporated into art and the media? Deity, aren't they meant to reflect society as a whole?"

This time, only Jacobyte blinked. "That was rather deep, for you."

Jonathan batted his eyelashes. Which was almost blinking, but not quite.

**8. Do you have any feelings in general that you are disturbed by? What are they? Why do they disturb you?**

"I... that... um."

"Nothing?"

"Well, not nothing per say... Just..." Jonathan shook his head and grinned. "Not really, no. I've become immune, you could say."

"To your own thought processes?"

"Mhm."

"How very... you."

**9. What is your religious view of things? What religion, if any, do you call your own?**

Jacobyte eyed Jonathan carefully. "You aren't actually religious, are you?"

He sounded almost wary.

Jonathan twisted his lips in an expression of deep thought, and Jacobyte laughed, if a little uncertainly. "You're having me on."

"Am I?"

"You have to be. The universe might implode. Again."

Jonathan cracked a grin. "Of course I'm having you on, numbnuts. Next question."

**10. Do you think the future is hopeful? Why?**

"No," Jonathan said flatly. "And because."

Jacobyte scrawled that down. Very valid answer, he thought.

**11. Is an ounce of prevention really worth a pound of cure? Which is more valuable? Why do you feel this way?**

"If I say I don't know and I don't care, to all three, would you write that down?"

"Look, I've got snogging down as an answer. I hardly think now would be the time to start quibbling over answer quality."

**12. What's the worst thing that can be done to another person? Why?**

"That depends on the other person, surely?"

"I think so."

"Hmm."

**13. What's the worst thing you could actually do to someone you hated?**

"Again, it really fucking depends on the person."

**14. Are you a better leader or follower? Why do you think that? If you think the whole leader-follower archetype is a crock of shit, say so, and explain why?**

"Ooh, crock of shit! I want the crock of shit option!"

Jacobyte patted his head. "You still have to explain why, though."

"Don't."

"Do. Question says."

"And do I have to follow? No, I don't. I think it's a crock of shit. Theeerefore..."

"Therefore what?"

"Therefore skip to the next bloody question."

**15. What is your responsibility to the world, if any? Why do you think that?**

Jonathan laaaaughed. And laughed. And laughed. And Jacobyte had to hit him over the head with the question sheets before he'd shut up.

**16. Do you think redemption is possible? If so, can anyone be redeemed, or are there only certain circumstances that can be? If not, why do you think nothing can redeem itself?**

"Redemption, schmidemption."

"Bet you can't say that five times fast."

"You're on."

Ten seconds later, Jacobyte had to help Jonathan untangle his tongue from his teeth.

**17. Is it okay for you to cry? When was the last time you cried?**

"I... think it was when you did that thing with the... and turned it like..."

Jacobyte watched Jonathan gesticulate. Considered the question sheets. Eyed Jonathan again. "I think the question might be after more, ah, emotional crying."

"That _was_ emotional. How long did you have me like that?"

Squint. "Couple hours?"

"Exactly."

Amused, Jacobyte gave up and moved on.

**18. What do you think is wrong with MOST people, overall?**

"They're people."

"Eloquent."

"I try."


	11. PostSupernatural Awareness Questions

**Author note:** Only one section left! How very sad. (In other news, I'm starting university soon! Le gasp. What exciting times we do live in. Holler if you like maths! :D) Big ol' thanks to everyone who's reviewed. It's great hearing what you all think.

**

* * *

Post-Supernatural Awareness Questions**

**1. When did you go through whatever made you supernatural? What was it like (in your opinion)?**

Jacobyte had to wait for Jonathan to stop sniggering. "Well," he said, eventually. "Well, it all began back when—"

"Stop. Just stop."

"You don't want to hear the sordid tale?"

"Less sordidity, more smut."

"... those aren't the same things?"

"I'm moving on, now."

"That might be best."

**2. What do you think now of being supernatural? Is it cool, or have you been screwed?**

"Screwed. Repeatedly."

Jacobyte snorted.

**3. Do you have a mentor? Who are they? How did you become their student?**

"I _had_ a mentor. Sort of. Back at the Academy. Old... whatshisface. With the Technicolor moustache and the squint."

"Ohhh. Yeah. Him."

Jonathan considered Jacobyte. Then grinned. "You can't remember his name, either, can you?"

"Nope. Why would you need to? Technicolor moustache says it all, really."

"Certainly does."

**4. Do you have any magical items? Where did you get them?**

"Yes. And I was born with it."

Jacobyte's turn to consider Jonathan, then to consider Jonathan's crotch. "That's debatable."

**5. What do you think of the other denizens of the World of Darkness? Why for each? (If you haven't met something, do you think it exists, and if it does, is that bad or good?)**

"The other denizens," Jonathan said slowly, "of the World of Darkness. Hmm."

Jacobyte chuckled.

"They're not half bad?"

"And why do you think so?"

"Because they aren't half bad. Duh."

"Ah. Sorry. My mistake." Jacobyte straightened the page. "Care to answer the bracketed questions?"

"Eh. Might as well. If I haven't met something, do I think it exists? Well, yes. If it does exist, is that bad or good? That... would depend on the thing, surely?"

"Mm," said Jacobyte. "Next question?"

"If you'd be so kind."

**6. Think of a major event that happened during your training/initiation. What was it?**

"Does passing count?"

"Yee..." Jacobyte paused to squint. "Yes. Yes, we'll go with that."

**7. What is something you had to learn during your training that you hated? Why did you hate it?**

Jonathan was silent for a few moments. Long moments. So long Jacobyte barely heard the smaller man when he finally murmured, "They lied."

"Yeah," Jacobyte agreed several more long moments later, voice soft and eyes veiled.

"Why did I hate it?" Jonathan went on, raising eyebrows at the gray outside their window. The grey that never changed. The scenery, if you could call it that, that both he and Jacobyte knew by heart. "Because they lied. They promised they could help you fix things, and they reeled you in with their pretty words, and it was all a lie. And there's no way out." He scoffed, emotion finally returning to his tone and expression. "Not like that matters, now. No way out here, either."

Jacobyte turned to the next page.


End file.
